Gabrielle: Misery

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Misery

Its all so painful.
Every breath i take.
Every step i take.
Every sound i make.
Every goal i reached.
Every dream i dreamt.
Ever wanting to achieve something, wanting to acquire something.

Math is really a pain in the ass.
Woke up this morning trying to copy the answers before getting ,myself to school.
Then watched some dramas, and forced myself to copy the answers.
And then dragged my body to school.

Painful, Painful process.
Then she wants me to come tomorrow, at 3pm.
I was terribly late for today.
I didn't care, that didn't hurt at all.
I hate school.
I thought it would be at the very least fulfilling while its stressful.
But i'm very wrong.

I want to end this math shit all and all.
Why am i tortured again and again by this stupid subject.
Yeah i failed, so ? I didn't want to attempt it in the first place at all.
I don't like the subject.
I don't like maths.
Its just plain sickening.
Why am i wasting so much time on this shit that i hate so much ?
Because i have to ?
Because i at least need to pass ?

I don't like the teacher too.
She's not like my tutor nor like Mr Shaheful, nor like Miss Wong.
She acts like some kind of mother trying to get me to work maths out.
Like as if i understand, like as if i want to study.
I'm burning out again, back from the holidays and yet i'm dying out again.
Is this going to happen everytime ?

Why is this happening again ?
If i practice day and night, i'll get the grades i want ?
If i work very very hard i'll get good grades and then i'll be happy ?
If i work myself to death, and then get the fucking best grade the whole fucking class has,
I'll not be happy too.

Why should i make a living hell out of my life like this ?
Why am i submitting myself to this kind of pain ?
Why am i doing this to myself ?
This is no different from cutting myself.
Nor throwing my body off T11A.

Making me live everyday without a soul,
Having my soul torn into pieces at the end of the day,
And thrown into a corner,
Reprimanded that i don't work hard enough.

So what can i do now to get out ?
Study ? Just do that ?
I'll just get more and more tired and more and more dead.
I already feel like a zombie.
But come to think of it, what else can i do ?
So i just study and study blindly, just blindly down the alley ?

So today when i go home i'll blindfold my eyes, and take out maths, and practice ?
Shutting off all my senses and work maths out like a living dead ?
I do maths, but nothing just gets to my head at the end of the day.
I'm just machine doing maths one minute and then the next when i turn back to human i forget every single thing that i have done.

So what can i do ?
What can i do to make myself feel better ?
Its not that i fail the test that makes me feel like i'm dead,
Its the thought that i have to study again for the maths retest that makes me wanna puke.

I don't care about it.
Its just my pride and ego that doesn't let me give up.
I want to give it all up, i have gave maths up the moment i finished my O levels.
Telling myself, swearing to myself that i'll never ever touch maths again in the whole of my life.
But then now what ? All over again ?
All over with all that you have a mental disorder and you need a counsellor shit ?
You think it'll all help ?

Why do i have to go through this ?
Why am i not a kid born in somewhere in the world that doesn't need to study ?
So what if i know dy over dx ? d over dx ? Differentiation. intergration, newton's method, partial differention, rates of change, implicit differention with respect to x ? What for ?
I don't even know what i'm learning.
What its all for at the end of the day ?
Will i use it in the future ? No, not even if i become some research scientist or something like that and i don't like research work.

I hate all that shit.
I will not like maths for the rest of my life.
They know nothing about the living hell i'm going through.
They don't know what's going on also.
They don't care.
They don't bother to care at all.

So why should i care ?
Oh, 'because its your future and if you don't work hard the person to suffer at the end of the day is you ?'

All that fucking shit is not going to work on me.
If you had to go through what i had to go through you would not have lived till today.

I HATE MATHS.
I HATE MATHS.
I HATE MATHS.

posted by gabrielleteng at 10:50

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Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Misery

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