Gabrielle: February 2010

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Life

After reading daphne's blog,

i realised something.

Oh yes she's such an inspiration.

Actually, i don't like science too.

Its not interest,

its just that i do so well.

I never needed to study science in secondary school cause its kinda a natural thing.

So i have always thought that i was made for it,

hence, that means, i had interest in it.

And its not that i'm dumb in maths,

its just that my head is not orientated to think that way.

Just like if you don't need to remember much things,

you eventually won't have a very good memory.

Just like if you don't do something for a very long time,

you will feel awkard and new and queer doing it.

Its a game of familarity.

I'm quite good at getting familiar with things.

I have been deceiving myself for the past few years.

I don't like science. I have no interest in science.

I like writing. I like chinese. I like Japanese.

I like asian cultures.

I used to write and it made me felt like i'm on cloud nine.

And now ?

I feel like i'm in hell.

I don't like science.

Its a great shock to me.

That i have been giving myself the wrong idea all these while.

I misinterpreted everything.

I mixed up love and crush and pain and revenge.

Did i ever loved him at all ? Or was it because i need a substitute ?

Or was it all for revenge ? Or was it just a game ?

I actually misinterpreted so much for so long.

I was wrong.

I was so wrong.

She said that we're all birds in a big, beautiful cage.

And the door's open but we're scared to fly out.

Because the unknown is fearful.

And we're all competing to see who has the prettiest feathers,

and who flies the highest,

not knowing that we can do so much by just flying out of the door.

Its a brand new world out there and we're sitting in this huge pretty cage.

Such fools.

Such fools we are.

I want to be an artist.

I am an artist, i can't live without it.

When was i the happiest ?

When i was in my secondary school days,

Painting, drawing, shading, and writing, expressing, making music, singing.

Getting onto the stage and getting so much attention and applause.

I'm an artist.

Holding the camera and painting my world, my art, in seconds.

I am made of art itself. I am an artist and i have to blind myself from that fact so that i can focus on the more practical side of life.

The so-called real life.

Where survival is of the fittest and the richest speaks the loudest.

Where the most beautiful are artificial and the scheming wins.

Where i lived, for a short period of time, and quit.

Because it was so much of a hassle to live every single day with a mask.

I have stepped out of that world but yet some have lived in it for it was fun for them.

It was all in vain.

The tighter you hold the easier it slips.

The greater the fear of losing the higher the chances of failure.

Because you held too tight,

Because you held too much fear in you.

Don't have any desires,

Don't exercise any of your senses,

Be as if you can't see, can't smell, can't hear, can't taste, can't feel.

And you will live a peaceful life.

That's what my scriptures tell me.

Of course i understand but if one day i really do that i'll become a nun.

But what lies outside of that cage ?

Freedom ?

Life ?

Or enlightenment ?

I think i just go be nun.

posted by gabrielleteng at 00:25 0 Comments

***

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Exams

According to Daphne's nick,

2 weeks and 1 day to exams.

That makes it 15 days.

4 subjects, 15 days.

There's still report to do.

And maths to do also.

Me bless me.

I can never found motivation to study lah please.

Only if i start then i can't stop.

Or i wear something to remind myself that i must study.

Like a ring or something like that.

Sadded.

posted by gabrielleteng at 00:16 0 Comments

***

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Start A Fresh.

I'm going to turn 18 soon.

I realise how much i'm wasting all these years.

How much youth and time i've wasted.

I remained low and unnoticed all the while.

To make things simple.

But I think there should be a change.

18 is going to be a new change for me.

A total new change.

I must shake off the shell of the old me.

That old, reluctant, pitiful, procastinating me.

I don't care whether i'll do good in studies anymore.

I must change myself entirely.

I want to walk proudly, holding my head high and looking down, will be everyone.

I want the old me dead.

I can't waste all my youth in all those jeans and shirts.

I must be pretty everyday.

Confident, vicious, scheming, ambitious me.

What took me so long to realise this simple thing ?

Looking at them all pretty and glammed up why am i the ugly duckling and them the swan ?

I have better qualities than all of them.

I want blue eyes, black hair every single day of my life.

Time for the change.

我要学才艺。
我要变美丽。
我要有自信。
我要把她们都踏在脚下。

站在最高点，俯视那些可怜的她们。

来，梅雨，我们开始吧。

posted by gabrielleteng at 15:45 1 Comments

***

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Life

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Exams

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Start A Fresh.

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