Gabrielle: January 2010

Sunday, 24 January 2010

Sexy

I was given the post of librarian.
In my choir committee.
With another girl.
So we both share the post.

At first i was wondering,
if i'll only get half of the CCA points.
But then later I came to my senses,
that it doesn't matter at all.

I've always been reading this fanfict about this librarian,
and her love story with this random guy from don't know where.
And everything's been so sexy from then.

And now i'm a librarian !
Although its just taking care of the scores.
But it has always been a fantasy of mine.

Haha, to dress up in white shirts, tight pencil skirts and high heels with black framed specs.
Seems nice.

And aisah was elected as president.
And sarah was vice.
Faith and Qi Min took positions of treasurer and secretary.

Hope that the new committee could take us to new heights.
And hopefully we could go overseas to perform or have competitions !
Russia, France, Germany, Spain, Italy, Hungary or even Japan !!!
My dreams of going overseas !

Oh i just realise that the whole committee are girls.
Well there was Kenneth to fill the place once.
But now all girls lol !

The Movie ToothFairy is awesome !
Its really funny.

Does this make my butt look big ?
Yes, it does. Huge it seems. LOLs.

Why do you have to remove my memories ?
Well its what we do after you finish your duties.
Hey do you have Facebook ?
I can poke you !
LOLs its really nice.

Lets not get frisky.

And i have Friskers too.

OMG LOLS EPIC.

Oh yes you don't get it do you ?
GO WATCH.

I can't afford to miss anymore sessions of choir anymore.
I don't think my attendence can make it already.
All thanks to my bloody course.
I feel like a piece of chewing gum.
The stress and pressure all starts to fade after all that strain.

And my mum is scolding me now.
Yes like right now.
Saying that i sleep late every night.
And i bathe late.
And my hair is wet.
I mean, its none of her bloody business.
Just go to sleep lah.

Bloody pain in the ass.
Oh everytime its like this.
Disgusting. Pain in the ass. Pain.

Oh you think that i like doing that ?
If i never needed to study,
If i never needed to do chores,
I would not need all that.
I would not sleep this late.
If i never had to work,
If you could give me more money then what ?
Then i could just chill at home and not do a thing.
Do you think i can live by what you give me ?
That pathetic amount of money ?
So what if i'm older now ? So what ?
Do i not need to chill when i'm older ?
The older i get the more money i need cause the more things i want.
You can't give me all that and i'm working, i'm feuding it on my own and you also wanna poke your nose in ?

JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF.
YOU FUCKING RUINED MY MOOD.

Shut the fuck up won't you ?
Shut up !
Shut up !

Xing Ku ?
Whatever lah you ?

Yes just go to sleep.
Just go and shut the fuck up.
I hate doing chores,
I hate studying,
And i hate all that bloody shit.

I don't sleep so what ?
None of your bloody business right ?

posted by gabrielleteng at 01:02 0 Comments

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Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Esplanade

Just finished the performance.
It was overall well and yulin says that she could actually hear us.
That's something good.

Today that bitch finally issued the LOA.
Still need XX to go deliver the LOA to that bitch to let her sign.
And she still said that we didn't stand still enough.
Sickening, we need to express ourselves through our body too.
One idiot that doesn't know music and is still blabbering.
Shut up bitch.

Today people were sick, like Rebecca and Mat.
Hope they get well soon.
And Ning's voice is beautiful.
The lunch box was fried rice, very oily vegetables, two wing mid-sections and two fake scallops that cheated my feelings.

Today went school at 10am.
Then discussed about the RWP presentation.
God bless me bless me.
The presentation is tomorrow and i haven't practice one bit.
No time.
The schedule is packed too full.

Then left at 11am to get to the clubhouse.
And ate that tortilla thing wrapped by roti prata.

Gross lah not nice. Don't buy from there in the future.

And then took bus to Esplanade.
Then did sound testing.
The dressing room is awesome.
With alot of hot, scorching light bulbs.
And changed and went for tests and tests again.
Then lunch box.
Then fuji apple, that i need to return money to Faith.
Then perform, come up, chill, practice, and perform, photo, and home.
Can't get used to stockings.
And heels, and tight dresses.

What am i going to wear for presentation tomorrow ?
I wonder where i left the shirt.
And i need to pick up my flats from Isabel.
And i bought my seamless underwear from Triumph. damn ex. heart pain.

My brother drove me back.
And made me wait 40 mins.

It was an awesome experience and everybody has a nametag of their own.
Damn cool momento that i'm gonna love.
Wanna do this over and over again.
And tomorrow's there's chem prac.
So early in the morning.
And RWP presentation.
And cell bio, and microbio.
And results for microbio prac.
And submit my LOA.

And when's the math's test ?
Need to arrange for my community service time slots.
And my photo essay ?
Oh today's Kenneth's cam is damn cool lah.
Love the shutter sound.

Beginning to feel a sense of achievement.
Something that i need to feed my soul.
After a long and weary and losing battle with science.
I finally feel that i'm worth something.
And is capable of something.
Something that i put in my efforts and sowed, and reaped.

I love choir.
I love singing.
I love having achieved something.
And i'm getting fatter.
Must be the new year goodies.
I had tons and tons.
Time to cut down on intake.

Hope that i'll get thinner.
For no reason whatsoever.
Still haven't remove my makeup.
Time to sleep, or else tomorrow i have no idea how to wake up.
God bless me, i'm putting myself through a roller coaster ride.
That i might not survive.

posted by gabrielleteng at 00:48 0 Comments

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Saturday, 16 January 2010

Random III

Watching broke back mountain.
And don't understand a single thing.
Why do they need to put the sheeps on the mountains ?
Just rear them in some grassland and its safer anyway.

And why do they need to grab the sheep's hind legs ?
Where were they getting them to ?
And why don't he just shoot the bear ?
And why don't they just live on the mountains, just next to the sheeps ?
Rather than shuttling to and fro.

And exactly who is liking who in the first place ?
The accent is killing me.
And the person who subbed the chinese is shit.
Its a screwed up subbing.

And going to work in the next one hour.
Thinking about buying the inner wear, and eyeliner, and makeup remover tissues.
And the presentation clothes.

KY's birthday celebration should be going on now.
Happy Birthday KY !
And all the best for your guitar journey.
Having fun over there at bugis ?
I hate seoul garden.

Tomorrow going to celebrate my mum's birthday.
Just a meal in the afternoon.
With my elder bro and his wife and his son.
Going to Fei Cui Kitchen.
Awesome chinese cuisine i heard.
Hope that tomorrow will turn out fine.

And these days i have been jumping at the slightest thing.
Like a door bell, or someone coughing, or just a thud on the ground can make jump.
Like everything is exaggerated, amplified.
Heard that this is a disease, or a disorder.
I have been sensitive to sound but these days its just getting more and more sensitive.
I thought its suppose to get worse as we grow up.
I can hear the sound of TV switched on, but its not the dialogue or sounds produced but i can hear another frequency that the TV produces when its on even when its on mute.
Seems like many electronic devices do that but my camera doesn't.
It stays very quiet until you press the shutter then its a little click sound.

The world to me is a very noisy place.
I kinda like this ability cause i can hear the footsteps of everybody in my house and when they come home i can tell who it is just by the sound of the footsteps.
And i can tell everybody's voice apart, and i can tell my mum her phone is ringing before it even rings.
She always get really awed by this.

Going to have an early early breakfast then set off to work.
Hope today's work is easy and smooth-sailing and pray that i don't break nor spill nor kill anything.

And bless me for the Esplanade performance.
Seems like that bitch is incharge of the band too.
And proves that everybody hates her, i'm not the only one.

And i'm starting to do math already.
Hope that i can pass the retest.

And i'm going to cardiac.
So daph and sure don't be sad.
You'll do well without me.

posted by gabrielleteng at 16:10 0 Comments

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Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Random II

Chilling in the Library.
Nothing to do.
Actually many things to do, but just lazy to attempt them.

Just finished GEMS.
Submitted my assignment.
I think it was ok.
I made my effort.

Next assignment is a photo essay.
15 pictures telling a story.
What should i do ? What theme ? Which story ?

No idea.

Waiting for time to pass.
Slept only 4 hours last night.
Now is week 10, not counting the holidays.
But others tell me its week 13, counting the holidays.
No idea what the irony is about though.

Credit given to my nice pocket watch.
He was in the limelight.
He was the model of my photo assignment.
So was falling in love with pocket watches.
So was browsing through pretty pocket watches online.

So many different designs and sizes.
Vintage things just attracts my attention.

Trash, Vintage and Antique lies on the same line.
Just that the line travels in time, making things get older and older.

Still killing time.
Later got maths session with the teacher.
As usual, sickening.

Then after that got choral rehearsal.
And that bitch still hasn't give me my letter yet.
She's ugly, annoying, old, and has deprived of herself of fashion sense.
Heard that she has a diploma in Voice.
The other time she complain that we stood too still when singing the national anthem.
Its really stupid to me cause ever since i'm little i'm taught to stand as still as i could.
Shall we rock to the rhythm or something ?
Annoying lame idiot that doesn't have a brain.
Or has the myelin sheath been burnt out to fuel her bitchiness ?
Whatever. That kinda people has their own happy endings.

Very tired. Feel like sleeping.
And the good sayyun wants to revise maths.
And the bad sayyun just knocked her out.
Good.

Hope that things will turn out better.
And my memory has been getting worse.
I can't even remember the slightest thing after i reminded myself to remember it.
Short Term Memory. Damn short sia.

Friday should i do buy wallet with Bro ?
Or go choir practice ?
Or choir go halfway then go buy wallet ?
Like that maybe can.

And this sunday afternoon have family gathering.
And this saturday have KY's birthday party.
Sorry KY i can't make it.
I feel really busy.

And tomorrow pass the presents to nisa.
So that she can pass to the birthday girl and boy.
Good plan.
I hate soul garden.
I hate Bugis.
Go till so sian already.

And then monday is the performance.
At Esplanade.
First time performing there.
Feels quite honoured.
Like in the future i can tell my daughter,
Oh Mummy have sang there before.
Isn't that great ?

And it clashes with my Microbio prac.
Looks like they wanna do it again.
Cause the results are not what the theory states.
But just to confirm cause the results are not that much in difference.
And i screwed up by putting the 70% in the 95% and vice versa.
Next week will be without me.
Don't feel lonely Daph.

So what should i do ?
Skip choir and do my prac ? And then go there on my own ?
That was my plan you see.
And i need an LOA.
I filled it out and handed up.
And got rejected because of that bitch's letter is still not in my hands yet.
She is inefficient indeed.
Can she just stop making things difficult for other people's lives ?
Sickening bitch.

Off to meet Daph now.
At the Lib's entrance.
To go to the math's session.
Sickening.

posted by gabrielleteng at 14:20 0 Comments

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Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Realisation

12th day of the year and i'm thinking of suicide.
Isn't that just awesome ?
What a wonderful way to start a new, fresh, year.

Going to meet Daph later at the concourse where she's doing JAE work.
Then going to look at the results of the experiment yesterday.
Then planning to go back to the market to buy flowers or find some sand.
Haven't even done my photography assignment because i got a D the other time.
I get discouraged whenever i can't do well in something, then i kinda give up.
So rushing to get that done.

I want to stop the diarrhoea.
I want to learn Japanese.
I want to take the JLPT exams.
I want a new handphone that can play music.
I want to get a new wallet.
I want to get clothes for presentation.
I want to get clothes for Esplanade performance.
I want to stop myself emoing everyday.
I want to stop myself from procastinating.
I want to finish my PBL, my cardiac output.
I want to finish my RWP E.Coli report.
I want to arrange for practices for the RWP E.Coli presentation.
I want to love myself more.
I wish that i could love myself more.
I wish that i could appreciate myself more.
I wish that you could take me on a boat, on the lake, under a starry starry sky.
I wish that you could hold my hand, and hold me in your arms, and whisper softly in my ear.
i wish that all my wishes will come true.

posted by gabrielleteng at 11:23 0 Comments

***

Misery

Its all so painful.
Every breath i take.
Every step i take.
Every sound i make.
Every goal i reached.
Every dream i dreamt.
Ever wanting to achieve something, wanting to acquire something.

Math is really a pain in the ass.
Woke up this morning trying to copy the answers before getting ,myself to school.
Then watched some dramas, and forced myself to copy the answers.
And then dragged my body to school.

Painful, Painful process.
Then she wants me to come tomorrow, at 3pm.
I was terribly late for today.
I didn't care, that didn't hurt at all.
I hate school.
I thought it would be at the very least fulfilling while its stressful.
But i'm very wrong.

I want to end this math shit all and all.
Why am i tortured again and again by this stupid subject.
Yeah i failed, so ? I didn't want to attempt it in the first place at all.
I don't like the subject.
I don't like maths.
Its just plain sickening.
Why am i wasting so much time on this shit that i hate so much ?
Because i have to ?
Because i at least need to pass ?

I don't like the teacher too.
She's not like my tutor nor like Mr Shaheful, nor like Miss Wong.
She acts like some kind of mother trying to get me to work maths out.
Like as if i understand, like as if i want to study.
I'm burning out again, back from the holidays and yet i'm dying out again.
Is this going to happen everytime ?

Why is this happening again ?
If i practice day and night, i'll get the grades i want ?
If i work very very hard i'll get good grades and then i'll be happy ?
If i work myself to death, and then get the fucking best grade the whole fucking class has,
I'll not be happy too.

Why should i make a living hell out of my life like this ?
Why am i submitting myself to this kind of pain ?
Why am i doing this to myself ?
This is no different from cutting myself.
Nor throwing my body off T11A.

Making me live everyday without a soul,
Having my soul torn into pieces at the end of the day,
And thrown into a corner,
Reprimanded that i don't work hard enough.

So what can i do now to get out ?
Study ? Just do that ?
I'll just get more and more tired and more and more dead.
I already feel like a zombie.
But come to think of it, what else can i do ?
So i just study and study blindly, just blindly down the alley ?

So today when i go home i'll blindfold my eyes, and take out maths, and practice ?
Shutting off all my senses and work maths out like a living dead ?
I do maths, but nothing just gets to my head at the end of the day.
I'm just machine doing maths one minute and then the next when i turn back to human i forget every single thing that i have done.

So what can i do ?
What can i do to make myself feel better ?
Its not that i fail the test that makes me feel like i'm dead,
Its the thought that i have to study again for the maths retest that makes me wanna puke.

I don't care about it.
Its just my pride and ego that doesn't let me give up.
I want to give it all up, i have gave maths up the moment i finished my O levels.
Telling myself, swearing to myself that i'll never ever touch maths again in the whole of my life.
But then now what ? All over again ?
All over with all that you have a mental disorder and you need a counsellor shit ?
You think it'll all help ?

Why do i have to go through this ?
Why am i not a kid born in somewhere in the world that doesn't need to study ?
So what if i know dy over dx ? d over dx ? Differentiation. intergration, newton's method, partial differention, rates of change, implicit differention with respect to x ? What for ?
I don't even know what i'm learning.
What its all for at the end of the day ?
Will i use it in the future ? No, not even if i become some research scientist or something like that and i don't like research work.

I hate all that shit.
I will not like maths for the rest of my life.
They know nothing about the living hell i'm going through.
They don't know what's going on also.
They don't care.
They don't bother to care at all.

So why should i care ?
Oh, 'because its your future and if you don't work hard the person to suffer at the end of the day is you ?'

All that fucking shit is not going to work on me.
If you had to go through what i had to go through you would not have lived till today.

I HATE MATHS.
I HATE MATHS.
I HATE MATHS.

posted by gabrielleteng at 10:50 0 Comments

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Random

Its been 3 years, how have you been ?

Been watching a drama recently and the male lead said that
no matter how much you have forgotten about one you loved,
having you forgot his name,
having you forgot his face,
having you forgot his voice,
having you forgot what both of you had talked about,
having you forgot what fun both of you had before,
one day on the street when you bump into him,
you will have a sudden spur of happiness in your heart.
A blissful feeling.

You remember the feeling of loving that person.

Because your brain remembers all the emotions that he once made you felt.

The memories of loving someone,
the memories of having been loved by someone
are the purest emotions buried in the deepest part of the brain.

Even all the visuals, audios, are all forgotten,
the feelings and emotions are forever locked in the limbic cortex,
where they will never be forgotten.

He will be there, in your deepest memories, eternally.

This part made me cry,
thinking that you'll be with me forever in my head until the day i die.

I do not need to be reminded by my limbic cortex that i loved you,
nor how you made me feel like i'm the most blissful person ever,
nor how you called every night, not uttering a single word, just to listen to my voice,
nor how you lay your hand gently on my back to encourage me to go on where i was breaking,
nor how you made my laugh with your lame jokes, telling me that i looked best when i smile,
nor the way you laughed, smiled, talked, blinked, breathed,
nor the way you played your sports,
nor the way you breakdown when you can't take the stress,
nor the way your name is spelt, or written
nor the way your voice sounded,
nor the way you gave me so much love.

I don't think i'll ever be able to forget all that, ever.
But will you remember me ?
Will you still remember my name ?
Will you still remember how its spelt ?
Will you still remember my face ?
Will you still remember my voice ?
Will you still remember all the times we spent together ?
Will you still remember how you guided me and taught me ?
Will you still remember how much i love you ?

If one day, if you forget all that,
If one day, if you and i happen to brush shoulders on the streets someday,
If something like that were to happen,
Will you have a sudden spur of bliss ?
Will you light up and smile ? Thinking that why this stranger could bring me such joy and happiness ?

Or would we just miss out on eachother, and continue to walk our own paths ?
Thinking that its just another stranger, another everyday stranger to chance upon ?

I don't feel an ounce of bliss when i'm with you,
Because i have not forgotten,
Not a single bit,
How painful it all was,
How much pain i went through to let it go,
How pitiful i was.

My chest just throbs in pain and agony everytime i see you.
Does yours do ?

posted by gabrielleteng at 01:54 0 Comments

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