Gabrielle

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Life

After reading daphne's blog,

i realised something.

Oh yes she's such an inspiration.

Actually, i don't like science too.

Its not interest,

its just that i do so well.

I never needed to study science in secondary school cause its kinda a natural thing.

So i have always thought that i was made for it,

hence, that means, i had interest in it.

And its not that i'm dumb in maths,

its just that my head is not orientated to think that way.

Just like if you don't need to remember much things,

you eventually won't have a very good memory.

Just like if you don't do something for a very long time,

you will feel awkard and new and queer doing it.

Its a game of familarity.

I'm quite good at getting familiar with things.

I have been deceiving myself for the past few years.

I don't like science. I have no interest in science.

I like writing. I like chinese. I like Japanese.

I like asian cultures.

I used to write and it made me felt like i'm on cloud nine.

And now ?

I feel like i'm in hell.

I don't like science.

Its a great shock to me.

That i have been giving myself the wrong idea all these while.

I misinterpreted everything.

I mixed up love and crush and pain and revenge.

Did i ever loved him at all ? Or was it because i need a substitute ?

Or was it all for revenge ? Or was it just a game ?

I actually misinterpreted so much for so long.

I was wrong.

I was so wrong.

She said that we're all birds in a big, beautiful cage.

And the door's open but we're scared to fly out.

Because the unknown is fearful.

And we're all competing to see who has the prettiest feathers,

and who flies the highest,

not knowing that we can do so much by just flying out of the door.

Its a brand new world out there and we're sitting in this huge pretty cage.

Such fools.

Such fools we are.

I want to be an artist.

I am an artist, i can't live without it.

When was i the happiest ?

When i was in my secondary school days,

Painting, drawing, shading, and writing, expressing, making music, singing.

Getting onto the stage and getting so much attention and applause.

I'm an artist.

Holding the camera and painting my world, my art, in seconds.

I am made of art itself. I am an artist and i have to blind myself from that fact so that i can focus on the more practical side of life.

The so-called real life.

Where survival is of the fittest and the richest speaks the loudest.

Where the most beautiful are artificial and the scheming wins.

Where i lived, for a short period of time, and quit.

Because it was so much of a hassle to live every single day with a mask.

I have stepped out of that world but yet some have lived in it for it was fun for them.

It was all in vain.

The tighter you hold the easier it slips.

The greater the fear of losing the higher the chances of failure.

Because you held too tight,

Because you held too much fear in you.

Don't have any desires,

Don't exercise any of your senses,

Be as if you can't see, can't smell, can't hear, can't taste, can't feel.

And you will live a peaceful life.

That's what my scriptures tell me.

Of course i understand but if one day i really do that i'll become a nun.

But what lies outside of that cage ?

Freedom ?

Life ?

Or enlightenment ?

I think i just go be nun.

posted by gabrielleteng at 00:25 0 Comments

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Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Exams

According to Daphne's nick,

2 weeks and 1 day to exams.

That makes it 15 days.

4 subjects, 15 days.

There's still report to do.

And maths to do also.

Me bless me.

I can never found motivation to study lah please.

Only if i start then i can't stop.

Or i wear something to remind myself that i must study.

Like a ring or something like that.

Sadded.

posted by gabrielleteng at 00:16 0 Comments

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Saturday, 6 February 2010

Start A Fresh.

I'm going to turn 18 soon.

I realise how much i'm wasting all these years.

How much youth and time i've wasted.

I remained low and unnoticed all the while.

To make things simple.

But I think there should be a change.

18 is going to be a new change for me.

A total new change.

I must shake off the shell of the old me.

That old, reluctant, pitiful, procastinating me.

I don't care whether i'll do good in studies anymore.

I must change myself entirely.

I want to walk proudly, holding my head high and looking down, will be everyone.

I want the old me dead.

I can't waste all my youth in all those jeans and shirts.

I must be pretty everyday.

Confident, vicious, scheming, ambitious me.

What took me so long to realise this simple thing ?

Looking at them all pretty and glammed up why am i the ugly duckling and them the swan ?

I have better qualities than all of them.

I want blue eyes, black hair every single day of my life.

Time for the change.

我要学才艺。
我要变美丽。
我要有自信。
我要把她们都踏在脚下。

站在最高点，俯视那些可怜的她们。

来，梅雨，我们开始吧。

posted by gabrielleteng at 15:45 1 Comments

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Sunday, 24 January 2010

Sexy

I was given the post of librarian.
In my choir committee.
With another girl.
So we both share the post.

At first i was wondering,
if i'll only get half of the CCA points.
But then later I came to my senses,
that it doesn't matter at all.

I've always been reading this fanfict about this librarian,
and her love story with this random guy from don't know where.
And everything's been so sexy from then.

And now i'm a librarian !
Although its just taking care of the scores.
But it has always been a fantasy of mine.

Haha, to dress up in white shirts, tight pencil skirts and high heels with black framed specs.
Seems nice.

And aisah was elected as president.
And sarah was vice.
Faith and Qi Min took positions of treasurer and secretary.

Hope that the new committee could take us to new heights.
And hopefully we could go overseas to perform or have competitions !
Russia, France, Germany, Spain, Italy, Hungary or even Japan !!!
My dreams of going overseas !

Oh i just realise that the whole committee are girls.
Well there was Kenneth to fill the place once.
But now all girls lol !

The Movie ToothFairy is awesome !
Its really funny.

Does this make my butt look big ?
Yes, it does. Huge it seems. LOLs.

Why do you have to remove my memories ?
Well its what we do after you finish your duties.
Hey do you have Facebook ?
I can poke you !
LOLs its really nice.

Lets not get frisky.

And i have Friskers too.

OMG LOLS EPIC.

Oh yes you don't get it do you ?
GO WATCH.

I can't afford to miss anymore sessions of choir anymore.
I don't think my attendence can make it already.
All thanks to my bloody course.
I feel like a piece of chewing gum.
The stress and pressure all starts to fade after all that strain.

And my mum is scolding me now.
Yes like right now.
Saying that i sleep late every night.
And i bathe late.
And my hair is wet.
I mean, its none of her bloody business.
Just go to sleep lah.

Bloody pain in the ass.
Oh everytime its like this.
Disgusting. Pain in the ass. Pain.

Oh you think that i like doing that ?
If i never needed to study,
If i never needed to do chores,
I would not need all that.
I would not sleep this late.
If i never had to work,
If you could give me more money then what ?
Then i could just chill at home and not do a thing.
Do you think i can live by what you give me ?
That pathetic amount of money ?
So what if i'm older now ? So what ?
Do i not need to chill when i'm older ?
The older i get the more money i need cause the more things i want.
You can't give me all that and i'm working, i'm feuding it on my own and you also wanna poke your nose in ?

JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF.
YOU FUCKING RUINED MY MOOD.

Shut the fuck up won't you ?
Shut up !
Shut up !

Xing Ku ?
Whatever lah you ?

Yes just go to sleep.
Just go and shut the fuck up.
I hate doing chores,
I hate studying,
And i hate all that bloody shit.

I don't sleep so what ?
None of your bloody business right ?

posted by gabrielleteng at 01:02 0 Comments

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Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Esplanade

Just finished the performance.
It was overall well and yulin says that she could actually hear us.
That's something good.

Today that bitch finally issued the LOA.
Still need XX to go deliver the LOA to that bitch to let her sign.
And she still said that we didn't stand still enough.
Sickening, we need to express ourselves through our body too.
One idiot that doesn't know music and is still blabbering.
Shut up bitch.

Today people were sick, like Rebecca and Mat.
Hope they get well soon.
And Ning's voice is beautiful.
The lunch box was fried rice, very oily vegetables, two wing mid-sections and two fake scallops that cheated my feelings.

Today went school at 10am.
Then discussed about the RWP presentation.
God bless me bless me.
The presentation is tomorrow and i haven't practice one bit.
No time.
The schedule is packed too full.

Then left at 11am to get to the clubhouse.
And ate that tortilla thing wrapped by roti prata.

Gross lah not nice. Don't buy from there in the future.

And then took bus to Esplanade.
Then did sound testing.
The dressing room is awesome.
With alot of hot, scorching light bulbs.
And changed and went for tests and tests again.
Then lunch box.
Then fuji apple, that i need to return money to Faith.
Then perform, come up, chill, practice, and perform, photo, and home.
Can't get used to stockings.
And heels, and tight dresses.

What am i going to wear for presentation tomorrow ?
I wonder where i left the shirt.
And i need to pick up my flats from Isabel.
And i bought my seamless underwear from Triumph. damn ex. heart pain.

My brother drove me back.
And made me wait 40 mins.

It was an awesome experience and everybody has a nametag of their own.
Damn cool momento that i'm gonna love.
Wanna do this over and over again.
And tomorrow's there's chem prac.
So early in the morning.
And RWP presentation.
And cell bio, and microbio.
And results for microbio prac.
And submit my LOA.

And when's the math's test ?
Need to arrange for my community service time slots.
And my photo essay ?
Oh today's Kenneth's cam is damn cool lah.
Love the shutter sound.

Beginning to feel a sense of achievement.
Something that i need to feed my soul.
After a long and weary and losing battle with science.
I finally feel that i'm worth something.
And is capable of something.
Something that i put in my efforts and sowed, and reaped.

I love choir.
I love singing.
I love having achieved something.
And i'm getting fatter.
Must be the new year goodies.
I had tons and tons.
Time to cut down on intake.

Hope that i'll get thinner.
For no reason whatsoever.
Still haven't remove my makeup.
Time to sleep, or else tomorrow i have no idea how to wake up.
God bless me, i'm putting myself through a roller coaster ride.
That i might not survive.

posted by gabrielleteng at 00:48 0 Comments

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Saturday, 16 January 2010

Random III

Watching broke back mountain.
And don't understand a single thing.
Why do they need to put the sheeps on the mountains ?
Just rear them in some grassland and its safer anyway.

And why do they need to grab the sheep's hind legs ?
Where were they getting them to ?
And why don't he just shoot the bear ?
And why don't they just live on the mountains, just next to the sheeps ?
Rather than shuttling to and fro.

And exactly who is liking who in the first place ?
The accent is killing me.
And the person who subbed the chinese is shit.
Its a screwed up subbing.

And going to work in the next one hour.
Thinking about buying the inner wear, and eyeliner, and makeup remover tissues.
And the presentation clothes.

KY's birthday celebration should be going on now.
Happy Birthday KY !
And all the best for your guitar journey.
Having fun over there at bugis ?
I hate seoul garden.

Tomorrow going to celebrate my mum's birthday.
Just a meal in the afternoon.
With my elder bro and his wife and his son.
Going to Fei Cui Kitchen.
Awesome chinese cuisine i heard.
Hope that tomorrow will turn out fine.

And these days i have been jumping at the slightest thing.
Like a door bell, or someone coughing, or just a thud on the ground can make jump.
Like everything is exaggerated, amplified.
Heard that this is a disease, or a disorder.
I have been sensitive to sound but these days its just getting more and more sensitive.
I thought its suppose to get worse as we grow up.
I can hear the sound of TV switched on, but its not the dialogue or sounds produced but i can hear another frequency that the TV produces when its on even when its on mute.
Seems like many electronic devices do that but my camera doesn't.
It stays very quiet until you press the shutter then its a little click sound.

The world to me is a very noisy place.
I kinda like this ability cause i can hear the footsteps of everybody in my house and when they come home i can tell who it is just by the sound of the footsteps.
And i can tell everybody's voice apart, and i can tell my mum her phone is ringing before it even rings.
She always get really awed by this.

Going to have an early early breakfast then set off to work.
Hope today's work is easy and smooth-sailing and pray that i don't break nor spill nor kill anything.

And bless me for the Esplanade performance.
Seems like that bitch is incharge of the band too.
And proves that everybody hates her, i'm not the only one.

And i'm starting to do math already.
Hope that i can pass the retest.

And i'm going to cardiac.
So daph and sure don't be sad.
You'll do well without me.

posted by gabrielleteng at 16:10 0 Comments

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Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Random II

Chilling in the Library.
Nothing to do.
Actually many things to do, but just lazy to attempt them.

Just finished GEMS.
Submitted my assignment.
I think it was ok.
I made my effort.

Next assignment is a photo essay.
15 pictures telling a story.
What should i do ? What theme ? Which story ?

No idea.

Waiting for time to pass.
Slept only 4 hours last night.
Now is week 10, not counting the holidays.
But others tell me its week 13, counting the holidays.
No idea what the irony is about though.

Credit given to my nice pocket watch.
He was in the limelight.
He was the model of my photo assignment.
So was falling in love with pocket watches.
So was browsing through pretty pocket watches online.

So many different designs and sizes.
Vintage things just attracts my attention.

Trash, Vintage and Antique lies on the same line.
Just that the line travels in time, making things get older and older.

Still killing time.
Later got maths session with the teacher.
As usual, sickening.

Then after that got choral rehearsal.
And that bitch still hasn't give me my letter yet.
She's ugly, annoying, old, and has deprived of herself of fashion sense.
Heard that she has a diploma in Voice.
The other time she complain that we stood too still when singing the national anthem.
Its really stupid to me cause ever since i'm little i'm taught to stand as still as i could.
Shall we rock to the rhythm or something ?
Annoying lame idiot that doesn't have a brain.
Or has the myelin sheath been burnt out to fuel her bitchiness ?
Whatever. That kinda people has their own happy endings.

Very tired. Feel like sleeping.
And the good sayyun wants to revise maths.
And the bad sayyun just knocked her out.
Good.

Hope that things will turn out better.
And my memory has been getting worse.
I can't even remember the slightest thing after i reminded myself to remember it.
Short Term Memory. Damn short sia.

Friday should i do buy wallet with Bro ?
Or go choir practice ?
Or choir go halfway then go buy wallet ?
Like that maybe can.

And this sunday afternoon have family gathering.
And this saturday have KY's birthday party.
Sorry KY i can't make it.
I feel really busy.

And tomorrow pass the presents to nisa.
So that she can pass to the birthday girl and boy.
Good plan.
I hate soul garden.
I hate Bugis.
Go till so sian already.

And then monday is the performance.
At Esplanade.
First time performing there.
Feels quite honoured.
Like in the future i can tell my daughter,
Oh Mummy have sang there before.
Isn't that great ?

And it clashes with my Microbio prac.
Looks like they wanna do it again.
Cause the results are not what the theory states.
But just to confirm cause the results are not that much in difference.
And i screwed up by putting the 70% in the 95% and vice versa.
Next week will be without me.
Don't feel lonely Daph.

So what should i do ?
Skip choir and do my prac ? And then go there on my own ?
That was my plan you see.
And i need an LOA.
I filled it out and handed up.
And got rejected because of that bitch's letter is still not in my hands yet.
She is inefficient indeed.
Can she just stop making things difficult for other people's lives ?
Sickening bitch.

Off to meet Daph now.
At the Lib's entrance.
To go to the math's session.
Sickening.

posted by gabrielleteng at 14:20 0 Comments

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